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INTJ in love

INTJ in love

Brilliant and insightful, INTJs make strong and capable partners. They are creative problem solvers who seek growth and optimisation in everything, including their relationships. They have high expectations of themselves and of their partners, which can be a good thing but can be suffocating at times.

INTJs live inside their heads and express this brilliance through their work. However, they tend to have a hard time expressing themselves in relationships. This is because they keep most of their thoughts to themselves, only expressing when they have ‘completed’ their thoughts. While their conclusions are often accurate, partners may feel that the INTJ did not include them in the decision making and feel dejected or excluded. INTJs would do better if they shared their thoughts before concluding.

INTJs want to optimise their life. They’re constantly thinking about pragmatic ways to achieve their goals. They use this mindset in their relationships which can have a two-edged effect. On the bright side, their brilliance and capability can help the couple make great financial decisions. Somehow, INTJs seem to get a lot done with very little. Partners love the INTJ for this – they can have a high quality of life without overspending on unnecessary items. The not so good thing about the INTJ’s pragmatism is that partners who are more easy-going might find this suffocating.

Working with logic is one of the strong points of INTJs, but the world of emotions is difficult for them to comprehend. When their partner gets sad or depressed, their first response might be to point out the solution helpfully. However, most of the time, their partners need emotional support, not a solution. If the INTJ is not sensitive to this, they might leave their partners feeling unheard or unloved.

In the same way, INTJs find it hard to express themselves emotionally. They don’t see their emotions as a priority. If it makes sense, it makes sense. Hence, if they’re not careful, they may treat their relationship with their partner in a ‘business-like’ or ‘official’ manner. Partners, of course, find this off-putting! INTJs can learn to be more in touch with their emotions so they can communicate more effectively with their partners.

INTJs feel good when their partners show admiration for their qualities – especially their capability and excellence in their task. They think through everything carefully and love it when their partners show appreciation for their effort and admire them for the results. Small gifts, on the other hand, don’t mean much to them. They feel that the money can be spent better elsewhere. They have to be careful when communicating this to their partners and not come across as unappreciative.

INTJs apply their optimisation to the household too. They are careful with money and keep a proper budget. They plan out their expenses to ensure the greatest quality of life given their budget. They also think through things like planning out furniture and interior design using the same mind. Partners of the INTJ often can take a step back and let the INTJ settle these things for them.


INTJ in Love Strengths

Here are the joys of being with an INTJ in love...
  • Committed to improving the relationship
  • Self-confident
  • Not afraid of conflict or disagreement
  • Good with money
  • Intelligent and capable


INTJ in Love Challenges

Here are the challenges of being with an INTJ in love...
  • May be insensitive to partner’s feelings
  • Not good with expressing emotions
  • Have challenging communicating their complex thoughts
  • Push for growth may suffocate partner
  • Opinionated and stubborn

Developing Your Relationships as an INTJ

To grow in your ability to love and care for your partner, here are some things you can do:

Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings

Your ideas are undoubtedly brilliant, creative and well-thought through. However, in a relationship, it’s not just about who’s right, but also about the feelings of your partner as well. An unhappy spouse is not optimal, you would say.

Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Listen attentively without judgement. Don’t comment unless asked. Confirm their feelings by asking and affirming what they are feeling – “So, you’re feeling very tired out by work?” Making statements like this make your partner feel understood and heard.

Don’t try to ‘optimise’ everything

Your excellence in executing your tasks is admirable. The way you stretch a dollar and make things work around the household at the lowest cost possible is something not many types can do consistently. However, it’s important to understand that not everything can be optimised or be measured on the scale of efficiency.

If you keep thinking about how to eliminate problems from your relationship or consistently think about how to improve it, you might end up suffocating your partner. Sometimes your partner just wants to ‘chill’. Let them be. There are a time and season for growth, and there’s a time to relax simply.

Express your complex thoughts simply

Your thoughts are complex to most people. Your partner is likely not to understand you when you are explaining your conclusions.

Express your thoughts as they come – no matter how incomplete they feel. Risk sounding stupid with your partner. It has the surprise effect of making your partner feel closer to you as they see your vulnerability.


Loving an INTJ

Here’s what you should watch out for when you are dating or married to an INTJ partner.

Be ready to discuss ideas

INTJs live in their heads and so have many opinions and thoughts. When you meet an INTJ, be prepared to engage them in an intellectual discussion – they love an intellectual sparring partner who can match them in a friendly discussion.

Don’t take their words personally

INTJs are not good with tact. They tend to say things as they are and don’t mince words. But no matter how harsh sounding those words are, know that the INTJ does not mean it to hurt personally. Take their words and feedback objectively, and recognise that they say things straight because they love you. 

Say it as it is

In that same way, don’t expect INTJs to understand your emotions. They are driven to learn about you, but they’ll take longer to figure out the emotional department as they use logical criteria to judge most things. So, don’t use subtle language in the hope they’ll ‘get’ you – they likely won’t. Just say it as it is. They’re not afraid to take criticism head on and change if necessary.

Be ready to grow with your partner

Driven for growth and knowledge, INTJs desire that their partners also grow and improve with them. This means they will always be seeking ways to improve your relationship – i.e. how can we make each other happier? How can we meet each other’s needs without compromising on our work? They’re constantly thinking and are ready to change when they feel a better approach is necessary. So for you, know that life with the INTJ is never static, but always changing and improving.


Compatible Partnerships

Although we should never discount a person as a potential partner because of his/her personality type, type theory offers a good idea about which types might suit INTJs better.

According to theory, the ENFP or the ENTP probably form the best partnership with the INTJs. They both prefer Intuition (N), which makes communication more straightforward and less chance for misunderstanding. The gregarious and spontaneous ENFPs or ENTPs are a great match for the introverted and planned INTJs.

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