ISTJ – ESFJ Relationship

ISTJ - ESFJ Relationship

Joys and Struggles

This section ISTJ - ESFJ relationship is about how these two personality types come together in a relationship. Specifically, we will be looking at the joys of this relationship as well as the struggles this relationship may have.

The ISTJ - ESFJ relationship has 2 preference similarities and 2 preference differences. Regardless of the number of similarities and differences, each personality combination will have its unique set of challenges. We will look at each of the 4 preferences individually:


Joys Struggles
  • Are attracted by each other’s difference in energy levels. Extroverts appreciate the calm and steady demeanor of the Introvert, while Introverts enjoy the hearty and bubbly Extrovert.
  • Extrovert enjoys that there is an active listening ear in the Introvert, always ready to listen to his thoughts and rants.
  • Introvert enjoys that the Extrovert takes social leadership in most occasions, connecting them to new friends and people that they otherwise would be too shy to approach.
  • Extroverts, however, may find that the Introvert is too quiet and communicates too little with nothing to share. They may feel Introverts are boring, or just disinterested in talking to them.
  • Introverts may find that Extroverts are too loud and talk too much without listening to them. An Introvert may feel neglected and unheard by Extroverts because they will only share if asked – and Extroverts usually don’t ask.
  • On the weekends, Extroverts enjoy heading out for social activities or other high stimulation activities to relax while Introverts prefer staying home or at the most have some quiet activity with close friends. This difference in preference will sometimes lead to dissatisfaction.


Joys Struggles
  • Will likely enjoy similar topics in conversation, mainly about past and present happenings related to, people they’ve met, places they’ve been, experiences they seen.
  • Both like language simple, straightforward and literal; will likely ‘click’ with each other.
  • Because both tend to live in the present, household duties are less likely to be neglected. However the more passive ones may still not perform them.
  • Although both enjoy Sensory details, the couple may disagree on specifics in the household: i.e. what colour should the wall be, where should the vase be placed.
  • In times of crises, both partners tend to over-worry or think up worst case scenarios, which is unproductive and sometimes cause destructive conflict between the couple.
  • In such cases, they may lack the future looking vision that will help them through the crisis.


Joys Struggles
  • Thinker will be attracted to the Feeler’s compassion and warmth toward Thinker and others, which Thinker may find lacking in self.
  • Feeler is attracted to the objective, tough-minded Thinker who can take and give criticism without taking offense.
  • The Thinker-Feeler partnership will provide all rounded perspectives, considering people, values and logical consequences when making important decisions.
  • Thinkers may hurt Feelers with their straightforward and sometimes tactless words; Feelers tend to take words personally; so when the Thinker provides negative feedback, it always evokes a larger than expected reaction from the Feeler.
  • Thinkers may not understand the Feeler’s desire for harmony and hence avoidance of conflict. Thinkers often misinterpret Feeler’s behavior and deem them complicated.
  • Feelers also tend to show affection much more naturally and sometimes they may feel their Thinking counterparts don’t show enough of it; they may feel unfulfilled in the relationship.


Joys Struggles
  • Because both value organization, they are likely to have a neat and tidy household with clear rules and standards, something which both parties will prefer.
  • They are likely also to plan their schedules with each other, with little or no issue with unnecessary last minute changes.
  • They will also appreciate their partner’s ability to keep up with the demands of everyday living and stay on top.
  • They will likely be strong together with budgeting, there will be little or no issues with planning out finances together.
  • Even though both parties may have standards in the household, they may have very different standards.
  • Because both tend to be opinionated, their arguments and quarrels may be more intense. Both may refuse to budge on their standards and compromise.
  • Both parties like to settle things; this means that sometimes they may make premature decisions without sufficiently considering their alternative options.

Here’s how ISTJs and ESFJs can relate to each other better:

Reaching out to the ISTJ as an ESFJ
  • Give time to speak – Your partner needs time to process your words before coming up with a thoughtful response. Be patient and wait for the reply. Don’t interrupt.
  • Explain things in precise detail – Give your partner information with precise and accurate detail. He/she may appear to be a stickler for this, but do it to give your partner certainty.
  • Don’t expect your partner to deal with emotion – Your partner is good with logic and objective data, but not as good in dealing with people’s emotions. Speak plainly about how you feel to make it clear to your partner.
  • Don’t take critique personally – Your partner’s words are straightforward and sometimes seems insensitive to you. Don’t take the criticisms personally – it usually has to deal with an issue in particular.
  • Give time for change – Your partner is strongly entrenched in his/her habits and tradition. If you expect your partner to make changes, give sufficient time and space. 
Reaching out to the ESFJ as an ISTJ
  • Listen to your friend’s emotions – Hear your friend out patiently and try to empathise, instead of dismissing your friend’s feelings as overreactions.
  • Share your thoughts – Tell your friend about your feelings and thought process; don’t keep to yourself and assume that your friend knows how you feel.
  • Appreciate your friend often – Express your gratitude towards your friend for his/her hard work and efforts on a regular basis.
  • Compliment your friend – Shower your friend with praises regularly! He/she thrives on words of affirmation.
  • Don’t entirely resist your friend’s plans – Do not say no until you have given your friend a chance to tell you the whole idea. Resisting your friend’s plans is a sure way to discourage him/her.

This is a summary of the joys and pains of the ISTJ – ESFJ relationship.

However, personality dynamics are more complex than this. It does not just extend to the difference or similarity in individual preferences but goes deeper than that.