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ISFJ in love

Committed, faithful and loyal, ISFJs often put the needs of their partners ahead of their own. They are highly committed to family and will do their utmost to ensure the practical needs of the family are met. They’re the tireless servant and will take care of every detail in the household.

They believe in the traditional family roles and values, so ISFJ husbands will desire to work hard to provide for the family, while ISFJ wives would do their utmost to prepare the household and serve their husbands well. They are careful with embarking on new relationships and will take their time to become comfortable with anyone new in their lives.

While ISFJs show their faithfulness, reliability and responsibility at the workplace too, at their heart, they desire to serve their family the most. If possible, they wish to give most of their time, attention and energy to upkeeping the household and nurturing their partners and children. To them, what they do at work is secondary to the home they wish to build.

ISFJs highly value harmony in their relationships. They will serve and please their friends, and even more so their partners, by finding practical needs and then meeting them, sometimes even anticipating these needs! ISFJs are simply wonderful in this aspect in the way they care, love and nurture their relationships. However, sometimes people, their partners included, take advantage of them and abuse the ISFJ’s kindness.

In the same way, ISFJs also do not share or assert their own needs. They rather avoid the possible conflict should they choose to confront, preferring just to keep quiet and let it simmer inside. ISFJs do this not because they feel any lesser – in fact, they are very sensitive and feel more than most. However, if it is kept inside for too long, one day a catalyst or a triggering event may cause them to explode and say things that they will regret later.

Partners of an ISFJ can show appreciation to the ISFJ by performing tangible acts of love like gift giving, words of affirmation, or even return the acts of service. Buying them a coffee or giving them a thoughtful gift shows them how much you appreciate them for what they do for you. As mentioned, they would never show these needs – but you can expect they need it just as much.

Being conservative and traditional, ISFJs are also excellent stewards of finances. They plan and budget well, ensuring that they live within their means. They appreciate a luxury good or two, but they would have worked out in their heads they're allowable budget long before they purchase these material products. In the household, they will likely be the manager of the money – making sure they have enough finances to take care of all household needs, present and future.


ISFJ in Love Positives

Here are the joys of being with an ISFJ in love...
  • Responsible; honour their commitments strongly
  • Sensitive and nurturing toward their partners
  • Faithful to ensure household needs are taken care of
  • Putting their partner’s needs before their own
  • Good with budgeting their money


ISFJ in Love Challenges

Here are the challenges of being with an ISFJ in love...
  • Being conflict avoidant means they avoid important conversations
  • Not asserting own needs causes neglect by partner
  • Putting unspoken expectations on their partners and then becoming disappointed when they are unfulfilled
  • Difficulty moving on from the past (bad experiences)
  • Inflexible and uncomfortable with change or new things

Developing Your Relationships as an ISFJ

To grow in your ability to love and care for your partner, here are some things you can do:

Assert your needs as and when you feel them

You need to understand that your partner unless they’ve been with you for decades, are unlikely to understand your subtle hints about your needs. They won’t know what you’re feeling or thinking, or that you’re hurt or offended unless you say it. It seems scary to say it, but know that your partner will appreciate you if you tell him/her outright.

Learn to say things like, “You made me hurt when you made that remark,” or “You’re making me uncomfortable with this.”. Know that you are not judging your partner, but just pointing out how an action from your partner is making you feel. Your partner, who loves you, will likely understand your point, not feel offended and adjust their behaviour in the future.

Learn to deal with healthy conflict and tension

In that same vein, you have to allow some of these assertions to turn into conflict. Healthy couples quarrel and fight – and they fight because they are both trying to learn about each other. It’s not a bad thing – you have to get it in your mind. Conflict doesn’t end the relationship – in fact, it gives the avenue for both of you to know more about each other.

If, however, you keep it inside, you are not diffusing the emotions. You are suppressing it. By doing so, you simply store it for a later time to be released – and when you do, it won’t be pretty. In the heat of the moment, you might even say things that you’ll regret later. So learn to let the conflicts come and don’t back down – say how you feel and then let your partner understand, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Allow your partner to try new things even though things are uncertain

You like predictability in your life, and by extension, in your household. For the most part, it’s a great thing – you made everything tidy, organised and planned for your partner. No doubt your partner appreciates you for all that you do.

However, when your partner does something unpredictable or what you consider risky, you may reject it. This rejection might become an issue if your partner is someone that enjoys new things and taking adventures. Be careful not to let this stifle or suffocate your partner, but learn to grow more comfortable with things that aren’t always in your control.


Loving an ISFJ

Here’s what you should watch out for when you are dating or married to an ISFJ partner.

Be very aware of their unspoken needs

ISFJs tend to keep their needs or feelings to themselves, especially when their feelings have been hurt or slighted by something you said or did. When you sense that there’s some unhappiness with an ISFJ, or something appears to be off, you are probably right. They are keeping the hurt inside, and they’ll tell you they are okay. But they are not. Coax them to share, and let them know you will accept whatever they want to say and still love them. In a safe environment, they’re more likely to tell you.

Show appreciation by letting them know you noticed their efforts

ISFJs are selfless people who always think about your needs before their own. But there’s a silent expectation that you would do likewise for them, or in the least appreciate them for their efforts. Make it a point to thank them for the small things they do, “Hey thanks for making coffee for me today.” Or “Thanks for noticing that I wasn’t feeling too well.”. Small compliments like that make them feel happy and valued.  

Serve them practically

Besides just appreciating them, the best thing you can do is also to be aware of their needs. It can be tough to do if you’re any other type because none can compare to the ISFJ regarding their sensitivity to people’s needs. However, they appreciate you if they notice that you are trying to anticipate their needs and meeting them. Performing acts of service like picking them up from the supermarket or like just giving them a cup of water is a show of love to them.

Be careful how you spend your money

ISFJs want to be responsible for the household and get uncomfortable when you spend money without budgeting carefully. They are not opposed to you spending for enjoyment or pleasure, but they want to know that you have carefully budgeted your money already. If you’re married to an ISFJ, it’s important you are accountable for your expenditures, especially those that are out of the norm.


Compatible Partnerships

Although we should never discount a person as a potential partner because of his/her personality type, type theory offers a good idea about which types might suit ISFJs better.

According to theory, the ESFP or the ESTP probably form the best partnership with the ISFJs. They are both Sensing (S), which makes communication more straightforward and less chance for misunderstanding. The fun-loving, excitable ESFP or ESTPs are a great complement to the kind, accommodating and stable ISFJs.