Find out how you interact with another type

ESTJ in love

Highly committed to their love relationships, ESTJs are partners who will do their utmost to ensure stability and safety for their loved ones and their household. They value traditions and social norms - and expect their love relationships to follow a prescribed path of dating and getting married. They don’t like playing around with frivolous relationships but begin with the end in mind. They take their marriage covenants very seriously.

They view dates like birthdays and anniversaries to be important traditions and milestones to be celebrated and remembered. They would expect their partners or their family to be present or be involved in these occasions, whether it’s a simple dinner or a formal celebration.

Being committed to the well-being of the household, they will ensure that the tasks and duties of the household are done properly. Everything should be in order – how the furniture is placed, the TV remote, the laundry, etc. They are protectors, wanting to preserve the household as a haven of safety for those whom they love. However, because of this, they may come across to their partners as controlling or micro-managing.

ESTJs lean strongly on the facts and have no qualms telling their partners about the right thing to do. The thing is, they are often right. Partners who step out of the line of acceptable behaviour will hear the direct criticism of the ESTJs without fail. For example, when the partner engages in taboo activities like gambling or staying out too late with friends, ESTJs don’t hesitate to make known their displeasure. However, at times, this may serve to drive a wedge in the relationship, when partners feel they’re being suffocated by the ESTJ.

Being strong headed and objective, ESTJs may find it hard to engage their emotions with their partners. Their partners may find the ESTJ to be a hard and cold person, only talking about the facts, but never sharing about their feelings. So when their partner is down or depressed, ESTJs may have a harder time knowing what to do. In a bid to be helpful, they might try to provide a solution for their partners – which is not what their partners want.

ESTJs feel loved when their efforts of maintaining the household and protecting the family are recognised. When their partners show verbal affirmation and reciprocate their acts of service – ESTJs feel that all that they’ve done is worth it. Even though ESTJs appear stoic and don’t seem to care much for compliments, they desire it very much.

ESTJs are good at managing and budgeting their finances. In the household, they usually control the purse strings. They are faithful in keeping up with the bill payments, as well as setting aside savings for any potential future obligations. They are thrifty, yet have an eye for luxury goods. They love to have a branded bag or two in their collection, but they’ll always budget to ensure they have enough for everything else.


ESTJ in Love Strengths

Here are the joys of being with an ESTJ in love...
  • Honour their commitments seriously
  • Not afraid of conflict – will try to resolve it
  • Strong household and money manager
  • Very clear about their moral system
  • Value family; puts family events and occasions first


ESTJ in Love Challenges

Here are the challenges of being with an ESTJ in love...
  • May listen too little and speak too much
  • May lack an understanding of their partner’s emotion
  • May not know how to express their own emotions
  • Trying to control too many things; may suffocate their partners
  • Uncomfortable with trying new things with their partners

Developing Your Relationships as an ESTJ

To grow in your ability to love and care for your partner, here are some things you can do:

Let go of your need to be right

In most places, your desire to be accurate with your facts and the need to be right is helpful. Because of that, you will rarely misrepresent facts and come across as competent, diligent and capable.

However, when it comes to love relationships, recognise that it’s not always about being right. Sometimes, to preserve the relationship, you need to compromise and give up your need to be right. Instead, support your partner’s viewpoints and listen carefully– refrain from correcting him/her.

Dish out criticism together with praise

You may give criticism objectively without thought of your partner’s feelings. This works well in the workplace where you can afford to be impersonal. However, if you do that to your partner, you’re going to unintentionally hurt their feelings or offend them, driving a wedge in your relationship.

Instead, use the sandwich principle when you need to correct or criticise. First, mention what he/she has done well, and appreciate your partner for what he/she does. Then and only then, share gently about what your partner can do better. After that, close it off by appreciating and praising your partner’s positive traits.

Don’t try to control everything

No doubt you have chosen your partner because of some complementary differences between you. You might be the stable one, and your partner might be more spontaneous and playful. If that is the case, do know that your partner is likely not going to be as organised, scheduled or planned as you. He/she is likely not going to spend money the way you expect him/her to.

Let the spontaneity happen – don’t try to control your partner’s behaviour. If you do so too often, you’re going to suffocate your partner. To balance your need for plans and your partner’s need for spontaneity, create boundaries within which your partner can be spontaneous. Plan it in such a way you can let them do what they want, within a certain limitation. That way, things won’t be completely out of your control.

Loving an ESTJ

Here’s what you should watch out for when you are dating or married to an ESTJ partner.

Be verbal with your affirmations

Doing so much for you and the household, ESTJs appear tireless, energetic and always diligent in their tasks. Although they look like they don’t need your appreciation to keep going, they enjoy it when you would thank them for the work they do. Show gratitude for the little things they do like fetching you from work, buying the groceries or picking up the garbage.

Don’t take their words personally

ESTJs show love by protecting their loved ones. Sometimes this means a stern word of correction or rebuke. When they do so, you can safely interpret their intentions as wanting to protect you. No matter how harsh the words are, don’t take it personally – they don’t intend to hurt or offend you with those words.

Go with them to their gatherings

Even though they’re serious when it comes to performing their tasks, ESTJs like to go out often for social gatherings where they can hang loose a little and catch up with their friends. Usually, they expect their partners to go with them on these occasions. So make an effort to be there, even though you may feel uncomfortable or tired.

Be careful how you spend your money

ESTJs want to feel in control especially in the area of finances. When you get married to the ESTJ, they tend to see your finances together. So they expect some level of accountability on how you spend your money – they may comment about your spending, but the way to get through to them is to show them how you have budgeted your finances – and they’ll be okay as long as it's not too ostentatious.  


Compatible Partnerships

Although we should never discount a person as a potential partner because of his/her personality type, type theory offers a good idea about which types might suit ESTJs better.

According to theory, the ISFP or the ISTP probably form the best partnership with the ESTJs. They are both Sensing (S), which makes communication more straightforward and less chance for misunderstanding. The quiet and supportive ISFP or ISTPs are a great complement to the energetic and stable ESTJs.

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